Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
