all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
