we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
