so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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