How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
