Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
