Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
