You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
