Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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