Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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