she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
