Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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