My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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