Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
