you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
