Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
