you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
