Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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