A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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