bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
