ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
