you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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