Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
