There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
