I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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