All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
