Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
