Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Randomize
