His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
pray to the hookup gods
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize