Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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