I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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