i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I would fuck him just for his dog
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
