Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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