Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
