Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
