so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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