I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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