You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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