I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
