I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
