I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Randomize
