just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
