i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
