About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The power of my boobs compel you
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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