Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
