Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
