I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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