Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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