we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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