Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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