my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My liver just had a heart attack.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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