i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize