He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
