2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
