Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
