I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
