i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
