After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
