Got a toothbrush?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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