Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
