Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
