I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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